The House That Root Built

Wednesday, August 08, 2007 • 08:12:53 AM EDT

The editors, writers, and production staff of Yellowtext extend their heartiest and most sincere congratulations to that beachball-headed freak for hitting home run number 756 and breaking Hank Aaron's home-run record. He should drink lustily from his draught of victory and enjoy all of the plaudits while he can, however. Because if Jeff Segorsky's slugging streak continues, Bonds will lose the title by the end of the month.

Segorsky, a right-handed middle-schooler from Phoenix, successfully gained root access to Major League Baseball's official stats database on July 23 and has accumulated 727 homers in just fifteen days. League Commissioner Bud Selig, after initially parrying media inquiries, has announced that he intends to be in attendance at the Segorsky family rec room when Jeff, a centerfielder for the Darnassus Golden Awesomes, break's Bond's historic record…most likely on August 21, when the family returns from its two-week camper trip through the Grand Canyon and surrounding areas.

"In the end, you do what's good for baseball," Selig said. "These little controversies fade with time, but the gravitas of the most important record in professional sports endures."

Segorsky has refused all media requests for interviews but has stated via his Twitter feed that "Kory [McAnders, Undead leader of Horde raiding guild Monkey Fist] can lick my butthole."

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...And that's all I need! The iPhone, and the Leatherman tool, and the chair, and...

Sunday, August 12, 2007 • 11:16:15 PM EDT

One or two quick things, both related to this fabulous Net we call Inter:

If you haven't been listening to the MacNotables podcast, check out this recent episode I recorded with Adam Engst. It's probably the most fun I've had on a podcast in ages. Neither Adam nor I had anything Mac-like to discuss. Chuck Joiner, our fine host, kept trying mightily to keep the show on-topic, which we interpreted as a meaningful request for us to misbehave even more.

And you may imagine me in a gas station attendant uniform, jumping up and down in excitement right there on the sidewalk with a freshly-delivered copy of the Internet in my hands a la Navin Johnson in "The Jerk."

"The new Wikipedia's here! The new Wikipedia's here! My name's in it! 'Living People ¦ American Journalists'! I'm somebody!"

It may or may not be as prestigious as my entry in Who's Who In Science And Technology, but I'm reasonably sure that the Wikipedia isn't just a scam to try to get me to buy three copies of a $70 vanity book…

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