The latest contestant has been thrown off of "Survivor: Andy's Wardrobe" and it wasn't the NetRenderMan tee shirt, nor was it that pair of grey and purple hiking socks (nearly worn-through at the heel, but Andy still insists that they're special "crashproof" socks. "Have I died in a plane crash while wearing them? Even once?" he asks with a smug nod, perhaps missing the point).

It was — and what a shocker! — the TravelSmith Road-Less-Traveled Jacket. Nobody saw that coming. Struggling for an explanation, the jacket was on CBS' "The Early Show" this morning telling Hannah Storm that while it thought it had formed a solid alliance with with the hat and the blue Champion sweatshirt, it all turned out to be a cruel sham to protect the vest. And yes, the phrase "turncoat bitch" was heard at least once.

Man, I have never tried so hard to make an article of clothing work. I put more effort into keeping this relationship going than I did with my last girlfriend.

(Though in my defense I didn't realize that we were actually dating. I thought we had merely been hanging out. Then there was this Tuesday night when I imagined we were going to spend the evening playing Scrabble as usual and instead she threw an awful lot of food at me. It was all in cans, which is what really offended me, to be honest, but the joke was on her: I scooped them all up and ate like a king for a week. Anyway, that's when the penny dropped that for the past three months we'd been having "relationship sex" and not "platonic friends who occasionally get together for movies and Scrabble" sex. Lesson learned; I emerged a better person for the experience. Plus, again, I had all that soup, stew, and Manwich sauce. So shed no tears for me, dear reader.)

It was exactly the sort of casual jacket I'd been looking for. The Masssachusetts Department of Motor Vehicles had included a little card along with my most recent license renewal, reminding me that I am now a man securely in my Thirties and that I'm sort of expected to be able to lay my hands on a blazer on a moment's notice.

I'm not concerned about aging. What I'm concerned about is looking like a guy who's so concerned about aging that he tragically refuses to age his wardrobe. There's a definite ladder that must be observed. Somewhere in your early Twenties you have to realize that you no longer look cool in a tee shirt and that you now have to dress it up by tossing a shirt over it. In your mid to late Twenties, you need to button the shirt.

See, as you get older, Society keeps raising the Slob Bar on you. And it's a bar that I historically have had little success in navigating. Casual? I've got it covered. Actually, because I write about technology, I have enough tee shirts that I could take this year's entire West Point graduating class and make them look like the first twelve rows at a Phish concert. I acknowledge that all of my tee shirts sport OpenDoc and CodeWarrior logos and stuff, and Phish fans aren't interested in any technology more complicated than what's necessary to turn any given object into a bong, but I stand by my claim nonetheless.

And formalwear? Please. You'll have to be more specific. I own white tie and tails. I have a classic dinner jacket, a double-breasted tux, and a formal jacket with "mod" styling that would make it suitable for a trip to the Grammys.

(the, um, non-televised technical awards.)

Unfortunately, neither "look" is suitable for a funeral. People tend to point and scowl if you show up for a wake in a MacHack 12 tee shirt, and if you wear the tuxedo they hand you their car keys and request that you park it near a streetlight. The dollar comes in handy, I'm not knocking that, but still, one has an obligation to make accomodations for Society's expectations.

I got by with the vest for years but I'm now at that awkward, late Gen-X stage where I'm routinely presented with sartorial problems to which the only definite solution is a casual blazer. It's an exciting time and one that I should savor: for the next two or three years I can throw a casual jacket over nearly anything — including nipple rings and a mildly smutty Muppet tattoo — and Society will award me a B+ for at least having made an effort.

But it doesn't count until I find That Jacket. Enter the TravelSmith Road-Less-Traveled, available in all sizes, khaki or olive. The first question I ask when I evaluate a jacket is "how many pockets does it have, and is one of them big enough for either a trade paperback or my smallest notebook computer?" And the RLT is happy to swallow up all of the microprocessor-based devices that I insist on keeping on my person at all times. It has so many pockets arrayed in so many places that it appears to have been tailor-made for either shoplifting, concealing electronic card-counting hardware from pit bosses, or possibly smuggling atomic secrets out of Los Alamos.

I also gave it high marks for its construction. It was made out of...oh, hell, what do they call that fabric? "Cotton Twill." Well, it's like the stuff they make casual pants out of. In construction it's actually more like that unbuttoned shirt that I had to stop wearing five years ago. It was a jacket in the same way that a McDonalds' hamburger is meat: it meets the absolute minimum federal standards required to legally advertise it as such. Period.

"Bingo," I thought, and introduced my Mastercard to a secure server. It arrived within the week, but...well, I looked like hell in it. Which is nearly never the fault of the garment so I wore it around town and taking it with me on a few trips, giving the jacket the benefit of the doubt for a few months.

But it wasn't working. I looked like a sack of potatoes. "Maybe it's just too big," I thought. I ordered a second one a size smaller. It was an improvement; I looked like a sack of potatoes with a health club membership.

I guess I was just in love with the idea of the Road Less Traveled Jacket. All those pockets. Fabric and style that aren't fussy about being perfectly pressed and are willing travel from Boston to San Francisco folded up in a suitcase instead of demanding to be carefully preserved in a garment bag.

But truly, there was no Camelot. The bottom line was that the Road Less Traveled Jacket has absolutely no tailoring at all. It has no shoulder pads, which wasn't a big deal because I already have the sort of he-manly shoulders that give women a permanent case of the Vapors, but it also has no waist. Essentially it's a tube of cloth with no taper, meaning (1) it would make even Charles Atlas look like he has the physique of a seven-year-old's drawing of their father, and (2) I am so totally totally comfortable in my masculinity that I can bitch about the substandard tailoring of a jacket in public like this without a care.

(See? If I were like one of them "Queer Eye" guys I wouldn't have bought clothes through the mail in the first place. Step right up, ladies!)

So I threw in the towel. I put both jackets back in the box the second one came in, and sent 'em back. I like TravelSmith. I want to support any company that tries to put as many pockets as possible into a given garment. But I love their return policy, which is "All merchandise is 100% guaranteed. No questions, no exceptions." I wrote "I tried hard to make these work, I really did, but they just broke my heart" on the form and asked for two more traditional blazers (Men's Classic Care-Free Blazer; available in six colors; olive and tan now 50% off) in exchange.

(Query: in the spirit of compromise, I am willing to concede that some clothing should be made available in colors other than black. But why (for the love of God) are you coming to me, claiming to be a rational, thinking human being and saying that the garment you're selling is not available in the most stylish and utilitarian of colors?

The Classic Care-Free comes in black. Good. But occasionally I'll find just the right whatsit and discover that nobody has ever evangelized the Gospel of Black to this company. Black is good. Black is healing. Black hides stains. The more weathered the fabrit gets, the better it looks. It goes with everything and if you look even vaguely thoughtful while you wear it, people will treat you nice and address you as "Reverend." Why would you try to sell a garment in Cranberry, Loden, Bark, Kona, Dover, and not black?

Black also ensures that you'll become the favorite uncle, aunt, or neighbor of any child, if you happen to meet them when they're infants. To their undeveloped visual cortex, Mom is a confusing soup of hues that their three-day-old optic cones aren't ready to deal with. You, however, are a friendly and readily-parsed shape of comforting black. During their carefree, prenatal days, were they in there looking at Viewmaster slides of hot-air-balloon festivals? Of course not. They stared out into the black. Soothing black. Warm black. Quiet black.

Thus, baby Tralfaz will subliminally regard you as a welcome reminder of The Good Old Days and trust me, you'll make quite a positive first impression. End of aside.)

I'm disappointed that my relationship with the Road Less Traveled Jacket fell apart. But I am cheered by a line in the description of the Classic Care-Free:

Traditionally cut, the Classic Care-Free Blazer features 10 pockets, including 2 that zip shut, 1 that buttons for security, and 1 so top-secret that we reveal its location only when you receive your jacket.

I mean, what's cooler than that? This catalogue copy is nearly in the same league as what you'd find in the full-page ad for novelty items at the back of old comic books.

A week from Tuesday I'm going to one of those frustratingly-vague parties where depending on your attitude, you could be coming to socialize, you could be coming to network, or you might just be in it because the appetizers are provided by what you know to be a very fine sushi restaurant. It's the perfect proving ground for a casual jacket.

Until the jacket arrives, I'll be dreaming about that top-secret pocket. I'll be browsing through Best Buy this weekend with an extra spring in my step, stopping in front of a $500 portable DVD player and picturing the look of impotent befuddlement on the store detective's face when he knows I took it but can't figure out where I've pocketed it.

I would confess to the crime (my strength is as the strength of ten men for my soul is pure) but in doing so I would be violating the oath I took when the TravelSmith Company told me where the Classic Care-Free Blazer's Top-Secret Pocket was.

I take such things seriously. Will they make me sign something? I bet they'll make me sign something and fax it in. I'll be disappointed if they don't.

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Your Job Ain't Like My Job, Chapter CXCVII:

Santa Stacy, my FedEx driver, delivered the usual assortment of morning parcels. Among them was a box from IBM, and inside I found a second box that looked like a 2/3rds-scale cardboard replica of a ThinkPad.

I opened the "screen" and saw this:

Yes, it's a ThinkPad made out of milk chocolate. Or the bottom half of one, if you want to nit-pick, but the important thing is that it's a big slab of chocolate and it just plain appeared out of nowhere, like Zorro. It disappeared more or less just as quickly.

I have to applaud IBM for doing this sort of thing effectively. As an internationally-known industry pundit who's beloved by the proletariat and feared by the hated corporate technocratic oppressors of same, I get my fair share of oddball promotional items. We all remember that day in school when the teacher came in wearing a freshly-pressed Bon Jovi tee shirt (over his usual shirt and tie) and stressed to the whole class that just because he received tenure last week it doesn't mean that he's suddenly become, you know, this stuffy teacher guy or anything, and if you ever want to just rap to someone who can still understand what kids are going through these days...

Well, receiving a squooshy plastic banana with the logo of a multibilliondollar network infrastructure company on it is often a little like that. You feel uncomfortable and you wonder why they're making such a self-conscious and unsuccessful display of "whackiness." Note the inclusion of the letter "h," a giveaway that the people putting the Whackiness on display wouldn't recognize real wackiness if it pulled their pants down, sprayed chocolate whipped-cream in their faces, and then roller-skated around them while slapping itself with fish.

Still, you have to appreciate any company that makes the effort. I don't like to discourage such things. Columnisting is a lonely job and it's nice when the mail contains something other than PC Connection catalogues and press releases boasting about another 2300 jobs that were outsourced to India. I might mock the Magnetic Information Technology Poetry Kit I received a couple of years ago, but the fact remains that once a month or two I rearrange the chips on my filing cabinet into yet another vaguely-naughty phrase that incorporates the word "pipe" or "stack."

Besides, when stunt-PR works, it works. Let's analyze the dynamics here:

1) IBM had a piece of legitimately interesting news. They'd cut nearly a whole pound off the weight of one of their flagship portables, which was pretty damned light to begin with.

2) The news and the promotional item were a perfect match. I know that there are sixteen ounces in a pound, that 2000 pounds is a ton, and that a gallon of water weighs about eight pounds. But put a clump of paper clips in my hand and ask me if it weighs more or less than a pound and you'll stump me. IBM made their point: here, sir, is exactly what fourteen ounces weighs.

(14 ounces weighs more than you'd imagine. Gold closed at 409.90 per troy ounce at the end of trading on Friday. Multiply that times fourteen and you get $5738.60. Given that a dollar bill weighs one gram, that's over 12.6 pounds of weight eliminated.

I haven't received the actual product for review yet but I can already state with absolute certainty that the ThinkPad X40 is a must-have for any frequent business traveller. Assuming that it's 14 ounces lighter than the X31, the thing will contribute almost 12 pounds of positive buoyancy to any bag it's carried in. You can run Microsoft Office on it too, but that's just gravy.)

3) It was chocolate.

4) It wasn't so trifling as to make a multi-billion-dollar company look like utter freaking cheapskates. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but when Boeing next-days me a plastic bookmark I take it personally. They seem to be saying "See, Andy? It's not like we don't know who you are, or we don't have the infrastructure for sending doo-dads to members of the press. We just don't happen to particularly care what you might think or write about us. By way of amplifying this point we are sending you, under separate cover, a photograph of the hand-carved, hand-painted desktop 777 model that we sent to David Pogue and Walt Mossberg."

5) It wasn't so flashy as to put the recipient in an awkward position. Once, a pay-your-bills-online service offered to pay my bills for an entire month. Unfortunately, they were thinking about my rent, groceries, phone bill, et cetera. I was thinking about charging a $2.4 million dollar investment portfolio to my American Express card. Because if I let a tech company cover 1/12th of my annual personal expenditures, I could never work as a technology columnist again.

And then there's XM Radio, which installed their satellite radio systems in a fleet of convertible Mustangs and -- yes -- lent them out to pundits. Just so they could drive around for a week and listen to the service. This sort of largesse is a double-edged sword. First, you put those writers in an awkward position. If I write that I love XM Radio, is it because of its content and features, or because I got to pull up to my high-school reunion in one sweeeeet ride?

This isn't a problem when the item in question is actually product, even if it's something expensive like a computer. XM sent me a receiver and a car-install kit and gave me a free subscription to the service. Here it is, months after the column ran, and they don't want the radio back, nor have they cancelled my free account.

So yes, they've given me hundreds of dollars worth of stuff. But having this gear means that I can continue to use and follow their product. It's good for me because I can stay hip to what's going on with XM, and it's good for XM because they believe that their product doesn't suck and that if I keep using it, I'll just like it more and more. Which is OK because if it starts to suck, I'll find out that pretty quick, too.

Some companies will loan you equipment and then when it's due back they'll offer you the option of buying it at a discount varying from Decent to Insane. Usually this is because at some point during the loan period the item was discontinued, and thus the PR department doesn't need it anymore.

I don't have a problem with this, either. Keeping a stable of varied hardware on hand is part of my job description and there are things about a style of notebook (a tablet, say) that you can't learn in three weeks of occasional use. The more I know about a wider variety of hardware, the better advice I can give when I write my columns. Also, if the offer is made, it isn't made in such a way that it could possibly influence the review.

Finally, I talk about such things openly, which I think is important. I should also point out that my freebies are never sold.

Even if I weren't burdened by this unfailing moral compass of mine I'd still do the Right Thing. I think readers are pretty savvy. You can whore yourself for freebies but it's like wearing a Hair Replacement System. No matter how undetectable you think it is or how confidently you flounce your head as you climb out of the pool, it's pretty obvious to all but the most careless observer.

(But if you think that I might be influenced by the arrival of nearly a pound of ThinkPad-shaped chocolate, I have a far better answer for you: what ThinkPad-shaped chocolate? Better luck next time, Columbo.)

6) And: It was really good chocolate.

Oh, yes, I mentioned that Big-Ticket Freebies are a double-edged sword. The other edge is that it really honks off those pundits who didn't get a free Mustang convertible.

Once again I might be reading too much into something, but I chose to be flattered when I learned about it later. "Look at that photo," XM's president must have said to the flunky in charge of the Free Mustang List. "The determined jaw, the eyes that pierce through all subterfuge, the brow furrowed by an unflappable sensitivity to the duties of office. Here is a man who cannot be bought. Moreover, if he's offended by the slight, he'll be too much of a pro to let it affect his review. Take Andy Ihnatko's Mustang and send it over to Larry King instead."

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Happy Presidents' Day. When I saw the President this morning I gave him a card and one of those little Presidents' Day floral arrangements that comes in a "World's Greatest Chief Executive" mug.

It was an awkward moment, as usual. I know he appreciated the sentiment, but man, I'm sick and tired of having to observe all these holidays that were clearly only concocted to sell more cards and candy. I think next year I'll just donate $20 to the United Way in his name, or maybe we could do a whip-round of all registered voters and buy him a gag gift from everyone. Like, on Presidents' Day morning he wakes up and opens the curtains to discover 50,000 pink flamingoes on the lawn. Real ones, I mean.

Apart from letting the Commander In Chief know that we appreciate all the photo-ops and talking points and stuff, there are two other Presidents' Day traditions here in the Boston area. First, there's the sale at You-Do-It Electronics. It's big enough that you have to camp out in the parking lot overnight to get the best deals, but it's often worth it. The last time I went, I was one of the first five people in line so I received a coupon for 50% off the price of any single item in the store.

(And thus I have You-Do-It to thank for a quantum boost in office productivity. A month before the sale I sort of thought that maybe the color on the cheapo 19" TV in my office might be going just a little bit green. But it was only noticeable when I put up the color bars and gave the set its regular calibration. I tried to get the get it dialed in perfectly, I failed, I shrugged my shoulders and I moved on with my life. But after the flier came in the mail I realized that this issue with the TV was a critical, top-priority problem that had to be addressed immediately, and after consulting with some of the most trusted advisors in my DVD collection I determined that I needed to buy the biggest and best Sony that You-Do-It had in stock for under the maximum cash value allowed by the coupon.

As for how this has increased my office productivity: I'll get right on an answer to that one, as soon as I get through all the bonus features on the "Lost In Translation" disc.)

The other aspect of the sale that augurs it towards greatness is the immense storeroom on the second floor. You-Do-It spends all year filling the room's racks with odd bits of merchandise. Some are demonstrator models, some are the odds and ends they discover when they buy another store's stock at a bankruptcy auction. Some comes from Setekh's glove compartment.

(Setekh is the Egyptian god of chaos.)

The sheer unpredicable range of stuff makes me think that they break into private homes for the rest. But it's not the variety that brings people in: it's the prices. It's like a yard sale; the store just doesn't care what they get for this stuff so long as they never have to deal with it again. The same year I bought that big Sony, I also bought a Pioneer DJ-grade CD transport, a mixing board, and some sort of spinning emergency light for about twenty bucks, total. Later, I plugged the model numbers into eBay and found that the first two items had recently sold for about twenty times what I'd paid. The third item didn't work, but the amber-colored dome does a nice job keeping dust off my Boba Fett Mini-Bust.

The drawback is that everybody knows that somewhere inside this room there lurks a slightly-scuffed camcorder for $7, a $10 five-DVD changer, or something with lots of hoses and connectors that Shuttle astronauts used while training for the Hubble repair mission ($12 crossed out, $5 markered in). The clientele's desire for bargain electronics often causes them to lose their grip on The Golden Rule...so a savvy visitor to the Bargain Room trains for the experience by watching a bunch of hockey tapes the day before.

It's all great theater, but once you reach your Thirties you find that people now start shouting "felony assault!" at you where they once would have muttered "midemeanor battery" and let the matter drop. There was nothing really great in the sale flyer this year and besides, at this stage I like to limit spending the night sleeping in my car to extra-special occasions, such as when the guy who played Chattar Lal in the second "Indiana Jones" movie is doing an appearance at the mall, or when I become homeless.

The second big Presidents' Day tradition here in Boston is the 24-hour Sci-Fi Movie Marathon, which has taken place annually for nearly three decades. Since 1990, it's been held in Boston's sole remaining movie palace, the Coolidge Corner Theater.

(Coolidge Corner — a neighborhood in Brookline — is home to the area's best screen, best restaurant, and best bookstore; my ISP is run out of an office there, too. That's why I refer to it as the Alien Zoo's Ihnatko Habitat. If the Hr'Hrunt reproduce this neighborhood in close detail and zap me there, I could live quite happily in captivity for the rest of my life and would barely be aware that I'd even been abducted. I'd sit at a window table in Zaftigs and maybe I'd occasionally stare at my cellphone and complain about how ****ty Cingular's service has become all of a sudden, but I'd soon be distracted by the arrival of another perfect order of salmon cakes and my thoughts would turn to the question of what movie I want to go see later. End of aside.)

So I was surprised when I learned that this year the Marathon was being held at the Dedham Community Theater, just a few miles from my house. The Coolidge's main room holds about 600 or so. The Dedham Community is a fine venue — even more so now that the eighty-year-old structure is receiving a patient and loving restoration from its new owners — but it's small. It had about half to two-thirds the Coolidge's capacity in its heyday and like so many independent suburban theaters, the room was sloppily converted into a twin-screen during the Seventies.

The Marathon has been moved from Boston's biggest and best screen to a humble 200-seater in the suburbs. How odd. I Googled for an explanation and come across this article in the Coolidge's hometown paper.

I'm amazed. The relationship between independent movies and independent movie houses appears to be breaking down. Why did the marathon move? Because the hyperconglomeration of the entertainment industry means that independent movies are now being handled by divisions of huge distributors, who don't care about local presentations. They're handling films that (in cold, schematic terms) aren't making any money and aren't attracting any audiences, but they don't see themselves as partners with the theaters. They flatly refuse to relinquish two or three screenings on a holiday weekend and so they're making it impossible for the Coolidge to do a special 24-hour event.

(We all know what a bit tradition it is to take the kids to see a movie on Presidents' Day, particularly during that lucrative midnight-to-noon selling period. I think the distributors refer to that zone as "The Rainmaker.")

Granted, the Coolidge's management isn't a helpless victim. The tone of the article suggests that the Coolidge marathon could have been saved if the theater's board had fought for it...but they didn't. They offered to continue to host the Marathon if it were held on a different weekend or if it were split into two 12-hour blocks, but the organizers wanted to maintain the tradition as-is.

I realize that a Croatian-language feature about four women and a dog in a leotard who dance around an oil-covered sectional sofa for three hours needs every $8.50 it can get its hands on. It costs real money to dye all those mice purple, to say nothing of the cost of making tiny leather saddles so that they can be ridden by crickets. I mean, don't think I'm totally unsympathetic to the distributors' side of the issue. But what the hell is wrong with these people? The Marathon routinely attracts hundreds of people at $50 a ticket. It's good for the theater and as a celebration of the concept of movies as a shared experience, it's good for film in general. It's also good for the community. What sort of moron would try to alienate the people they so desperately need?

I think somewhere in Hollywood, the stubby vestigial tail of the guy who greenlit "Scooby-Doo 2" is wagging, and its owner doesn't even know why.

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A few notes on food, I think, sensation-seekers:

To cap off my lunch today I selected four chocolates from a Valentine's Day assortment. Totally at random, mind you; I'm not one of those people who consults the player's guide (aka the little map printed on the inside of the box) and gets the exact coordinates of the caramels. I take pride in that. You have to make a decision and then be prepared to make the most of the results, even if it turns out to be that pinkish marshmallow nougat-thingy. There are no shortcuts in life, kids.

I just want to point out that the results were: Caramel, Caramel, chocolate nougat (which is nearly as good), Caramel. So either (a) I am clearly favoured by God, or (b) I make terrific, intellectual decisions even when I'm not trying to. Either way: not too shabby for Ihnatko.

Second, I'm halfway through a liter-sized bottle of Poland Spring Seltzer at the moment. There are three more in the fridge and I need to drink all of them by the end of the week.

This is just one small part of the overall unpleasantness of resuming my Constitutionals. I've been slacking mightily, slacking so impressively and consistently that a persuasive case could be made that I've actually burned more calories through the effort of not going out and exercising than I might have if I'd actually spent the past three or four months on the treadmill and in the park.

It's very taxing, mentally and physically. I can't even count the number of times I've stressed to someone "I've just been too damned tied up with Project X to exercise," often gesturing so forcefully that I'd spill some of my whiskey sour in the process.

(Of course, I'm just joking. Slacking off may be good exercise but it's all upper-body and besides, variety is the cornerstone of any successful fitness regimen.)

This is the time of year when it's too cold to do anything outdoors except chase Shelley Duvall and the rest of your family around the wood with an axe, so I went to the gym. All my gear was in my gym bag where I'd left it in...well, let's say September. But I had no water bottle. Hence the need to drink lots of seltzer. It's the best thing for the treadmill.

(If you're reading this for training tips I should clarify that I wouldn't drink seltzer while treadmilling, though I've just thought about it for a moment and I don't see why not. According to the treadmill's computer, I burn about 450-500 calories an hour while walking briskly. Add regular belching to the mix and I think I'm up to 600-700 and getting the same impact as I would from running, particularly when you consider that I'm also training my system to get by on less oxygen.)

The Poland Spring Seltzer bottle is the perfect diameter for the machine's little holder. It's tapered so you can easily grab it, take a pull, and drop it back in. Unlike a "real" sports bottle, it'll never open up inside your bag and marinate your underwear in its contents. And when it gets grungy, you throw it out. Alas, it's been so long since my last Constitutional that I've thrown all my Poland Spring bottles out.

I'm now about 3/4 of the way through this bottle and I've been reminded that there's a knack to drinking seltzer. 80% of the game is mental. You see something clear and fizzy and your brain wants to think that this is the most awful Seven-Up you've ever had, and it makes a note to stop buying the generic brand. So you need to get past that. It's just as important not to dilly-dally while you get it down, too. Cold seltzer is actually pretty nice, but when it gets warmer and it loses its fizz, it just becomes water that tastes like you need to go have a water softener installed in the house.

Chugalugging also makes it more fun. As a kid, my social circle felt that burping was a practical function and nothing more. But when you're alone in your house it seems like such a shame to waste a whole bellyful of carbon dioxide like that.

So my plan is this: I will clear an hour from my schedule. I will drink two liters of seltzer as quickly as possible...and then I shall sit down at the microphone and create a new loop for GarageBand that will bring MacDownload and VersionTracker to their knees an hour after I upload it.

Here on the Mac, we don't create viruses that launch denial-of-service attacks on websites. We prefer to be creative.

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No time to post anything recently, sensation-seekers. Busy Busy Busy. I knew that you folks were on tenterhooks about the new black sport coat I sent away for, and yes, as promised, I did have an excellent opportunity to give it its first live-fire exercise Tuesday night. And I didn't shirk my duty. An absolutely stunning post on the topic was begun late Tuesday night and I'm...let's see...about 600 words into it. I'm right at the point in the narrative where I explain my Theory of Sportcoats, which (and I say this objectively) ought to fry peoplf'e little pink minds.

It's pure Tabasco, all of it. As soon as I finish that piece and I click the "Post" button in CWOBber, the walls of the Denny's in Phoenix where the Pulitzer Committee gathers to make its final determinations will reverberate with choruses of "S***, man...I know it's wasn't written for a newspaper, but **** the rules!" And come July 4, I'll be there at Buckingham Palace, bowing gracefully as the illustrious Pulitzer Medal is draped around my neck by the King of Norway.

But on top of the usual Business, there's been a new development with Project X that requires my immediate and complete attention. So: sportcoats must wait.

(As well as my annual Oscars package. Haven't done much more than start it. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to finish it on Saturday and post it here.)

(And yes, my annual Oscarcast is on. Tune in to this blog during the Oscars for my live, ongoing commentary. Though I now rescind everything positive I've ever said about my pal Mark Evanier. Look at that banner on his blog. He totally stole my Oscarcast idea.

He just couldn't stand it any more, I suppose. Sure, he's a rich and famous writer, successful in multiple genres, and he's close personal friends with Sergio Aragones. But every year he beheld the majesty of my Oscarcast Blog and it kept eating and eating and eating at him. Everyone around him knew something was wrong, too. "What's up with Mark today?" Uma Thurman asked Halle Berry, as they lounged next to his pool, slowly applying lotion to each other in full view of his office's big picture window. "I asked him if he'd like me to lick warm caramel off his face and neck...and he totally snapped at me! 'It's Wednesday, isn't it?!?' he said."

Halle agreed that something was troubling the man, and suggested that perhaps if they were to take their tops off and carefully clean his windows using only their chestical regions, it might break him out of this dark mood of his. And indeed, the sound of skin squeaking against glass distracted Mark from his melancholy for a moment. But then he sullenly pressed a button on the arm of his chair, closing the curtains.

Envy is an ugly, ugly thing, Mark. Well, I suppose that if ripping off my Oscarcast tradition will allow you to return to your tiny life of fame, money, fulfilling work, and a wide circle of interesting and intelligent friends, then I suppose it'd be wrong of me to stand in your way.)

I also have to postpone this insanely cool app I'm writing. I got the idea a week or two ago. I'm in the middle of The Big Rip, converting every single track of every single CD I own to 256K AAC. The hard drive of the Mac I've dedicated to this task filled to capacity after 4000 songs, so I offloaded it to another drive.

I was scrolling through the incomplete library and The Idea struck me. Wouldn't it be cool if...? was quickly followed by and wouldn't it be pretty easy to...? and I started writing a couple of quick and simple pieces of the infrastructure. But then I had to return to my deadlines and such. I can't freakin' wait to work on this, though. The only thing I'm more excited about is actually using this app when it's finished.

I'm overselling this, I know. It's not the next "The SIMS," it won't revolutionize any industry, and it won't make me a dime. But once I finish it, and I use it for a few weeks, and then put it up here for others to use, you'll understand why I was so keen to finish this. It's one of those apps which, if someone described it to me, would send me straight to VersionTracker to download it.

But again, that's weeks and weeks off. In the meantime, here's the fruits of some of that infrastructure I mentioned. The app I want to write is indeed pretty simple, but it'd be even simpler to write if iTunes let you work with your library as a collection of albums, not just tracks. So now I have some code libraries for album-by-album access. Herewith I present the first 30 gigabytes of albums from The Big Rip:

There are 345 albums in the library.

1 (The Beatles)
12 Greatest Hits (Patsy Cline)
20 All Time Greatest Hits! (James Brown)
20 Great Years (Kenny Rogers)
161 Monroe Millennium Collection (Bill Monroe)
1712 Overture and Other Musical Assaults (P.D.Q. Bach (Peter Schikele))
1776 (New Broadway Cast)
1989 - The Winners (Van Cliburn International Piano Competition)
1989 - The Winners (Disk 2) (Schumann)
A Christmas Gift For You from Phil Spector (Darlene Love)
A Hard Day's Night (The Beatles)
Abbey Road (The Beatles)
Achtung Baby (U2)
Aladdin (Narrator)
Alapalooza (Weird Al Yankovic)
Always Drink Upstream From The Herd (Riders In The Sky)
American Recordings (Johnny Cash)
An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer (Tom Lehrer)
An Hysteric Return - P.D.Q. Bach At Carnegie Hall (P.D.Q. Bach)
Andy Ihnatko's Weekly Writeoff Show 007 (Andy Ihnatko)
Anthology 2 (Disc 1) (The Beatles)
Anthology 2 (Disc 2) (The Beatles)
Anthology 3 (Disc 1) (The Beatles)
Anthology 3 (Disc 2) (The Beatles)
Archaeology (The Rutles)
Aria - Original Soundtrack Recording (Verrett, Grist, Bergonzi, Price, Merrill)
Arizona Bay (Bill Hicks)
At Last, On Time (WeepinퟢWillie)
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (Madonna)
Babalu Music! (Desi Arnaz)
Babylon 5 (Christopher Franke)
Babylon 5 Volume 2: Messages from Earth (Christopher Franke)
BBC Sessions (The Who)
Beethoven Triple Concerto, Choral Fantasy (Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma, Daniel Barenboim, Berliner Philharmoniker)
Beethoven: Piano Concertos No. 1 & 2 (Claudio arrau (Piano) Colin Davis (Director))
Being There (Wilco)
Benny Goodman (Benny Goodman)
Best Of The Doors (Disc 1) (The Doors)
Best Of The Doors (Disc 2) (The Doors)
Bill Monoe & The Bluegrass Boys: The Early Years ()
Blonde On Blonde (Bob Dylan)
Blood Sugar Sex Magik (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Bobby Short And His Orch. Celebrating 30 Years At Cafe Carlyle (Bobby Short)
Body And Soul (Joe Jackson)
Boys For Pele (Tori Amos)
Brahms: Trios, Opp. 8 & 87 - The Mirecourt Trio (Johannes Brahms)
Brandenburg Concertos (1996) - BWV 1046 - 1047- 1048 - Cham. Music Society of Lincoln Center (Allegro)
Brandenburg Concertos (1996) (Disc 2 of 2) BWV 1049 - 1050 - 1051 - Lincoln Center (Johann Sebastian Bach)
Brick By Brick (Iggy Pop)
Bridge Over Troubled Water (Simon & Garfunkel)
Briefcase Full Of Blues (The Blues Brothers)
By Jeeves, American Premier Recording (Bertie & Jeeves)
Capitol Collectors Series (Jo Stafford)
Carmen - Highlights (Georges Pretre - Opera de Paris)
Catholic Boy (The Jim Carroll Band)
Changesbowie (David Bowie)
Charlie Brown's Holiday Hits (Vince Guaraldi Trio)
Chopin Piano Favorites (Various Artists)
Christmas In The Stars (Meco)
Christmas With The Rat Pack (Dean Martin)
Classic Gold (Disc 1) (George Carlin)
Classic Gold (Disc 2) (George Carlin)
Clerks (Dialogue)
Cocktails For Two (Spike Jones)
Collector's Series (Louis Prima)
Collectors Series (Jerry Lewis)
Come Fly With Me (Frank Sinatra)
Communicate (Sasha & John Digweed)
Concert By The Sea (Erroll Garner)
Cosmic Thing (The B-52's)
Creedence Clearwater Revival (P) 1986 (Creedence Clearwater Revival)
Crumb Original Soundtrack (David Boeddinghaus & Craig Ventresco)
Cymbalennium (Michael Masley)
Damn Yankees (Shannon Bolin, Robert Shafer, Baseball Fans, Baseball Widows)
Daphnis Et Chloe, La Valse (Berlin Philharmonic)
Dark Side Of The Moon (Pink Floyd)
Dixieland Favorites (Firehouse Five Plus Two)
Do it Acapella (True Image)
Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers (The Firesign Theatre)
Eastwood After Hours Live At Carnegie Hall (The Carnegie Hall Jazz Band)
Electric Barnyard (The Kentucky Headhunters)
Elevation (Yonder Mountain String Band)
Encomium: A Tribute To Led Zeppelin (4 Non Blondes)
Encore (Elaine Paige)
Everybody Digs Bill Evans (Bill Evans)
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Classical Music (But were afraid to ask!) (Johann Pachelbel)
Falling Into You (Celine Dion)
Fiddler on the Roof (Broadway Cast)
Fingerprints (Larry Carlton)
First Generation - 25 Years of Virgin Records (Disc 2) (Lenny Kravitz)
First Generation - Disk One - Twenty Five Years Of Virgin Records / First Generation (Mike Oldfield)
Five Guys Named Moe (Various Artists)
Flathead 6: The Demos (Ned Landin)
Flood (They Might Be Giants)
Flowers in the Dirt (Paul McCartney)
Flute Concertos 1 & 2. Flute & Harp Concerto (Allegro maestoso)
Foo Fighters (Foo Fighters)
Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables (Dead Kennedys)
Fresh fruit for rotting vegetables (Disc 2) (Dead Kennedys)
>From The Cradle (Eric Clapton)
Gag Me With A Spoon (Marques Bovre & The Evil Twins)
Genius: The Best of Warren Zevon (Warren Zevon)
Gilbert & Sullivan: The Mikado - Mackerras - Welsh National Opera (Gilbert & Sullivan)
Give The People What They Want (The Kinks)
Go Simpsonic With The Simpsons (The Simpsons)
Greatest Hits (Hector Berlioz)
Grieg: Peer Gynt; Piano Concerto in A minor, Op. 16 (Budapest Philharmonic Orchestra)
Guitar Slinger (The Brian Setzer Orchestra)
Guys and Dolls (Broadway Cast)
Gypsy (2003 Broadway Revival Cast) (Orchestra)
Happy Anniversary, Charlie Brown! (David Benoit)
Heathen (David Bowie)
High Definition (Shootyz Groove)
High Fidelity (The Thirteenth Floor Elevators)
Highlights Of Classical Music: Sabre Dance (Hungarian State Orchestra)
Horowitz in London (Vladimir Horowitz)
Hunky Dory (David Bowie)
Hype! Surviving The Northwest Rock Explosion (Fastbacks)
Imagine (John Lennon)
In Step (Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble)
Indigos (Duke Ellington)
Invincible Summer (Lang, K.D.)
Iolanthe (D'oyly Carte Opera Company, John Pryce-Jones)
It's A Shame About Ray (The Lemonheads)
Itzhak Perlman: Greatest Hits (Itzhak Perlman/NY Philharmonic, Zubin Mehta)
Jackie Brown (Bobby Womack)
Janis (Disc 1) (Janis Joplin)
Janis (Disc 2) (Big Brother & The Holding Company, Janis Joplin)
Janis (Disc 3) (Janis Joplin)
Jazz At Oberlin (Dave Brubeck)
Jazz Sampler, Vol. 1 (Miles Davis)
Jesus Christ Superstar (Disc 1) (Andrew Lloyd Webber)
Jesus Christ Superstar (Disc 2) (Andrew Lloyd Webber)
Joe Cocker (Joe Cocker)
Join Together (Disc 1) (The Who)
Join Together (Disc 2) (The Who)
Joy Ride (Bob James)
Ken Burns Jazz (Benny Goodman)
King Of Hearts (Roy Orbison)
Kyoko Takezawa (Kyoko Takezawa,London Symphony orchestra,Michael Tilson Thomas)
L'Arlesienne / Carmen (Suite No. 1 - Ouverture)
Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space (Spiritualized)
Les Paul Trio (Les Paul)
Let 'Em Eat Cake (McGovern, Maureen; Larry Kert; Jack Gilford; Orchestra of St. Lukes; Michael Tilson Thomas, cond.)
Linus & Lucy: The Music Of Vince Guaraldi (George Winston)
Little Earthquakes (Tori Amos)
Little Me (Cy Coleman And Carolyn Leigh)
Live At Carnegie Hall (Eastwood After Hours (Disc 1))
Live At Royal Albert Hall (Spiritualized)
Live In Cook County Jail (B.B. King)
Live In Italy (Giulio Caccini)
Live On Letterman: Music From The Late Show (Jerry Garcia & David Grisman)
Lodger (David Bowie)
London Calling (The Clash)
Look Sharp! (Joe Jackson)
Magical Mystery Tour (The Beatles)
Mahler: Symphony No. 4 (Barbara Hendricks, Los Angeles Philharmonic, Esa-Pekka Salonen)
Masters Of Classical Music, Vol. 7 (Vivaldi)
Meat is Murder (The Smiths)
Metallica (Metallica)
Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil (k.d. lang)
Midori - Live at Carnegie Hall (Midori & McDonald, Robert)
Mighty Like A Rose (Elvis Costello)
Miraculous Mandarin, Op. 19 (Sz73) And Concerto For Orchestra (Allegro)
Mozart - Kronungsmesse/Haydn - Paukenmesse (Kronungsmesse - Kyrie)
Music For A Darkened Theatre (Danny Elfman)
Music for an Awful Lot of Winds & Percussion (P.D.Q. Bach)
Musik der Gotik: The Early Music Consort of London/Munrow (David Munrow)
My Aim is True (Elvis Costello)
My Aim is True (bonus disc) (Elvis Costello)
Never Mind The Bollocks (Sex Pistols)
Nevermind (Nirvana)
New York Philharmonic (New York Philharmonic)
Night And Day (Joe Jackson)
Night Train (Oscar Peterson Trio)
No Alternative (Matthew Sweet)
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (James Carter & The Prisoners)
Oedipus Tex & Other Choral Calamities (P.D.Q. Bach)
Of Thee I Sing (McGovern, Maureen; Larry Kert; Jack Gilford; Orchestra of St. Lukes; Michael Tilson Thomas, cond.)
Oh, Good Grief! (Vince Guaraldi)
Only the Lonely (Frank Sinatra)
Operators Manual Buzzcocks Best (The Buzzcocks)
Orchestra of the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden. Royal Opera Chorus. Sir Edward Downes / The Puccini Experience (Orchestra of the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden. Roya)
Original Musiquarium 1 (Disc 1) (Stevie Wonder)
Original Musiquarium 1 (Disc 2) (Stevie Wonder)
P.D.Q. Bach On The Air (Peter Schickele)
Paganini's 24 Caprices (Eliot Fisk)
Painted From Memory (Elvis Costello With Burt Bacharach)
Parachute (Guster)
Past Masters, Volume 1 (The Beatles)
Perfectly Frank (Tony Bennett)
Peter And The Wolf-Carnival of the Animals Part Two ("Weird Al" Yankovic / Wendy Carlos)
Piano concerto no. 1 - Rhapsody on a theme of Paganini (Sergei Rachmaninov)
Piano Concerto No. 1 & Violin Concerto (Jen Jando, Emmy Verhey)
Piano Player (Bill Evans)
Piano Sonatas 1, 22, 23 - Complete Piano Sonatas (Bernard Roberts) CD 1/11 (Ludwig van Beethoven)
Pirates of Penzance 1968 (Disc 2) (D'Oyly Carte Opera Company)
Pocket Full of Kryptonite (Spin Doctors)
Pops By George (Boston Pops)
Precious Friend (Arlo Guthrie & Pete Seeger)
Precious Friend (Disc 2) (Arlo Guthrie & Pete Seeger)
Psychedelic Jungle/Greatest Hits (Cramps)
Quadrophenia (Disc 1) (The Who)
Quadrophenia (Disc 2) (The Who)
Rachmaninoff: Piano Concertos Nos. 2 & 3 (Bronfman, Yefim)
Rachmaninov - Vespers (Kings College Cambridge, Cleobury)
Raiders Of The Lost Ark (John Williams)
Real Love (The Beatles)
Repo Man: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Iggy Pop)
Requiem (Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart)
Requiem -  Sir Neville Marriner. Sylvia McNair, Thomas Allen. Academy of St Martin in the Fields (Sir Neville Marriner & Academy Of St. Martin In The Fields)
Requiem In Do Menore (Philharmonia Orchestra London - Riccardo Muti)
Revolver (The Beatles)
Riot Act (Pearl Jam)
Rock Steady (No Doubt)
Roll On (The Living End)
Rossini Recital (Cecilia Bartoli)
Royal Albert Hall October 10 1997 (Spiritualized)
Royal Albert Hall October 10 1997 (Disc 2) (Spiritualized)
Royal Albert Hall October 10 1997 Live (Spiritualized)
Rudolph (Various Artists)
Running With Scissors (Weird Al Yankovic)
Saint Saens - Danse Macabre (Royal Philharmonic/Dutoit)
Save His Soul (Blues Traveler)
Schickele: String Quartet/Quintet (The Audubon Quartet Peter Schickele, piano)
Selections From Fantasia And Other Disney Musical Classics (Various Artists)
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (The Beatles)
Shake It Up (Boney James/Rick Braun)
She's So Unusual (Cyndi Lauper)
Shut Up And Dance (The Dance Mixes) (Paula Abdul)
Simply Mad About The Mouse (Simply Mad)
Smells Like Bleach: A Punk Tribute To Nirvana (Vibrators)
Sonatas for Violin & Piano (Anne Akiko Meyers)
Songs In A Minor (Alicia Keys)
Spinal Tap (Spinal Tap)
Spotlight On Great Gentlemen Of Song - Mel Torme (Mel Torme)
Stairways To Heaven (Stairways To Heaven)
Stan Freberg - Capitol Collector's Series (Stan Freberg and others)
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (London Symphony Orchestra)
Star Wars Trilogy (John Williams)
Steal This (Disc 2) (Dweezil Zappa)
Stop Making Sense (Talking Heads)
Strictly Commercial (Frank Zappa)
Stunt (Barenaked Ladies)
Sunday At The Village Vanguard (Bill Evans)
Surfacing (Sarah McLachlan)
Surfing With The Alien (Joe Satriani)
Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street - Highlights (Stephen Sondheim)
Swing, Swing, Swing (John Williams & The Boston Pops Orchestra)
Switched-On Bach 2000 (Wendy Carlos)
Symphonie Nr. 3, Op.90 /Muti (Johannes Brahms)
Symphony No. 9 "Choral" (I. Allegro ma non troppo, un poco maestoso)
T.R.A.S.H. (Tubes Rarities And Smash Hits) (The Tubes)
Tears Of Stone (The Chieftains with Brenda Fricker & Arna)
That's All (Mel Torme)
That's Entertainment: The Ultimate Anthology (The Hollywood Bowl Orchestra)
That's Entertainment! (Disc 1) (MGM Studio Orchestra)
That's Entertainment! (Disc 2) (Various Artists)
That's Entertainment! (Disc 3) (Various Artists)
That's Entertainment! (Disc 4) (Jimmy Durante)
That's Entertainment! Disc 6 Of 6 - That's More Entertainment! (Various Artists)
The All-Time Greatest Hits Of Roy Orbison (Roy Orbison)
The B-52's (The B-52's)
The Beatles [White Album] (Disc 1) (The Beatles)
The Beatles [White Album] (Disc 2) (The Beatles)
The Best Of Hank Williams (Hank Williams)
The Best Of Ken Burns Jazz (Louis Armstrong And His Orchestra)
The Best Of The Art Of Noise (The Art Of Noise)
The Best Of The Velvet Underground (The Velvet Underground)
The Big Takeover: Punk's Greatest Hits Vol. 1 (The Ramones)
The Brian Setzer Orchestra (The Brian Setzer Orchestra)
The Burdens Of Being Upright (Tracy Bonham)
The Carl Stalling Project - Music From Warner Bros. Cartoons 1936-1958 (Carl Stalling and the Warner Bros. Studio Orchestra)
The Civil War (The Old Bethpage Brass Band)
The Clash [UK] (The Clash)
The Collection (Ultravox)
The Concert For New York (Disc 2) (Mike Moran)
The Concert For New York City (Disc 1) (David Bowie)
The Crow (The Cure)
The Early Years (Bill Monroe And The Bluegrass Boys)
The Firebird; 4 Etudes; L' Oiseau De Feu (Igor Stravinsky)
The Godfather Suite (The Milan Philharmonic Orchestra / Carmine Coppola)
The Great Rock 'N' Roll Swindle (Sex Pistols)
The Hollywood Sound (Williams, John with London Symphony Orchestra)
The Idiot (Iggy Pop)
The Instruments Of Classical Music: The Cello (Instruments Of Classical Music)
The Last of the Mohicans (I. Grave - Allegro di molto e con brio)
The Piano Quartets, Disc 1 Brahms: Piano Quartets, Opp. 25,60 (Piano quartet, Op. 25 (G minor))
The Piano Quartets, Disc 2 Brahms: Piano Quartets, Opp. 25,60 (I Allegro non troppo)
The Pirates of Penzance (Mackerras/Welsh National Opera)
The Pirates Of Penzance (Disc 1) (D'Oyly Carte Opera Company)
The Pirates Of Penzance (Disc 2) (Original Broadway Cast)
The Planets (Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, Andre Previn)
The Producers (Orchestra)
The Rutles (The Rutles)
The Specials (The Specials)
The Stiff Records Box Set (Disc 1) (Nick Lowe)
The Stiff Records Box Set (Disc 2) (Nick Lowe)
The Stiff Records Box Set (Disc 3) (Madness)
The Stiff Records Box Set (Disc 4) (The Belle Stars)
The Stoned Guest (P.D.Q. Bach)
The Three Tenors In Concert (Jose Carreras, Placedo Domigo & Luciano Pavarotti)
The Tiffany Transcriptions, Vol. 3: Basin Street Blues (Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys)
The Tiffany Transcriptions, Vol. 6 - Sally Goodin (Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys)
The Tony Bennett Bill Evans Album (Tony Bennett)
The Ultimate Collection (George Formby)
The Ultimate Collection (Disc 2) (George Formby)
The Velvet Underground & Nico (The Velvet Underground)
The Very Best Of Burt Bacharach (The Shirelles)
The Very Best Of The YardBirds (The Yardbirds)
The Who By Numbers (The Who)
The Wind (Warren Zevon)
Their Greatest Hits (The Eagles)
Thisway (Thisway)
Through The Past, Darkly (Big Hits Vol. 2) (The Rolling Stones)
Time Remembered (Bill Evans)
Title of Record (Filter)
Together Again (Tony Bennett/Bill Evans)
Tommy (The Who)
Tommy: A Rock-Steady Opera (Ye Olde English)
Tragic Kingdom (No Doubt)
Tranceport 1 (Paul Oakenfold)
Travelers & Thieves (Blues Traveler)
Traveling Wilburys Vol 3 (Traveling Wilburys)
Traveling Wilburys, Vol I (Traveling Wilburys)
Trout Quintet (Franz Schubert)
Two Pianos Are Better Than One (P.D.Q. Bach (Peter Schickele))
Two Rooms: Celebrating The Songs Of Elton John & Bernie Taupin (Eric Clapton)
Unchained (Johnny Cash)
Under the Pink (Tori Amos)
Up A Lazy River (Leon Redbone)
Verdi Gala (Giuseppe Verdi)
Verdi: Requiem & Operatic Choruses (Robert Shaw, Atlanta Symphony Orchestra and Chorus)
Wanting (Gabriela Anders)
War (U2)
We Can't Dance (Genesis)
Welcoming Home The Astronauts (Flickerstick)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Alan Silvestri)
Wonsaponatime (John Lennon)
Works for Solo Violin (Allemanda -)
World's Most Dangerous Party (Disc 1) (Paul Shaffer)
World's Most Dangerous Party (Disc 2) (Paul Shaffer)
WTWP Classical Talkity-Talk Radio (P.D.Q. Bach)
You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown (Original Broadway Cast Album)

...So if you were gonna buy me an album for Easter, I already have all of these.

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This year's (abbreviated) Oscar picks are now up! Have it thee! And tune in tonight during the Oscarcast for my live, blogside commentary.

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Testing, testing.

This might actually be the year when the Live Oscarcast Blogging thing reaches its saturation point. My pal Mark is doing it. My pal Dori is doing it. In two years' time, Oscar Night will be the one night in the entire year of Internet use when civility briefly takes over the Web...because everyone's so busy publishing that they don't have time to argue and call each other Nazis!

"Oprah-Uma"? Oh, dear. Oh, dear dear dear. Sir, you're surrounded by fabulous stars, and that's what you choose to do to entertain an international audience? Hand you brother the microphone, honey.

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Sean Connery introducing the show from behind a solid podium? But we can't see his fabulous gown!

Ah, yes, the magic of going to the movies. The commercials, the Liquid Nails spread on the floors, the cellphone and mary jane use, the ticket prices that are only marginally cheaper than buying the DVD...

OK, Billy went traditional with the opening. Cool!

Has he had a little work done?

Four minutes in, and not a single Janet Jackson joke? I just lost twenty bucks!

You know, he's naked, like, a lot in this segment.

Gee, he looks a lot like George W. Bush in that elf makeup.

Jaaaaack...even dressed as Gandalf, he can't help looking cooooollll...

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Yay! He's doing the song! But do people remember that he used to do that?

(First chorus is weak and warbly. Gee, does Billy remember that he used to do that?)

Big cheer for Sofia Coppola, good good good.

Charlize Theron's eyebrows grew back in nice, didn't they?

OK: Janet Jackson reference at T plus 14 minutes.

"Seabiscuit" becomes an extended riff on Pete Rose. It feels like a whole pile of jokes that were looking for a place to land, sort of like when Dennis Miller does the Leno show and you're fairly sure he's going to work his "Farouk L. Kaboom" line into one of his response somewhere.

Song ends, and wow...immediately the expression of every actor in the first ten rows changes. Game on.

Best Supporting Actor. Should go to Tim Robbins. Am suddenly feeling weird about Benicio Del Toro, though. (I think it's the eyebrows). Not a bad local accent on Tim Robbins. Too often, an actor plays a Bostonian who apparently moved to Charlestown by way of Brooklyn.

And it's Tim Robbins. OK, I'm 1 for 1 in my picks. Tuxedo Watch: nonstandard tuxedo, but not a bad choice (proper tuxedo shirt and tuxedo cravat; though black on black on black makes him look slightly like an uptight ninja.

Very classy; he appears to be saving his politics for the press room. (Shot of Susan Sarandon. Good golly; the hammer's gonna fall on TR in his next life because he can't possibly deserve what he got in this one!)

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I love this Martin Scorsese commercial American Express (he's picking up his photos and nitpicking about the lighting and composition, ultimately deciding to reshoot his nephew's 5th birthday party). You can tell he wrote all of his dialogue himself.

Ian McKellen introduces "Return Of The King"'s Best Picture reel. His hair is buzzed. I've decided that I want to be an actor. How wonderful it must be. Any time your hair looks like hell, you can say "It's for a role."

Art Direction. Hard to call, only because there's no established yardstick. You'd think this should be handed to "Lord Of The Rings" because of the scale of the project (and its success) but you hear professionals speak of sets and props acting as active members of the cast. So you're prepared for any result.

"Lord Of The Rings." Cool. Sometimes the obvious answer is the right one.

Note that — like most of the seasoned professionals working behind the scenes — all three award recipients are wearing flawless, traditional tuxedoes.

(Well, nearly flawless. Technically, open collars are only supposed to be worn with white tie. But one must make allowances for modern variations.)

Robin Williams, a big fan of silent comedians and unsure if he wanted to dress like Chaplin, Keaton, or Lloyd so he dressed like all three. Boss glasses, though.

"Best Feature Animation" ought to be a walkover for "Nemo." And it is. Nice tux. Steve Jobs gets a thank-you. Disney as well, which is a nice touch. And awww...he loves his wife. Was this a classy gesture, or was he just sensible enough to understand that thanking your wife during an Oscar speech is the difference between sleeping in a bed that night and sleeping in the garage?

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Rene Zellweger is in the Mini Driver category of women whose basic adorability index increases by 40% when they gain twenty or thirty pounds. Ah, the blessings of genetics; those extra pounds move to exactly the right places, like the armored cavalry speeding across a battlefield led by GPS.

Best Costume goes to "Lord Of The Rings." it's already looking like a sweep. I said this with the first film and it looks like it's true: there was some sort of subconscious understanding among voting members of the Academy that "Lord Of The Rings" is a truly unique beast in the annals of film and that the best solution was going to be to bury the film with overwhelming numbers of awards when the trilogy was complete, rather than salt and peppering them over the course of six years.

Video bit of "Newsmakers' Favorite Movies." Oh, dear. Someone's been dumpster-diving in the alley behind "The Tonight Show."

Best Supporting. Oh, dear. Could be an upset for the Iranian actress (please don't make me spell it). Two people who are very plugged into Academy voting have sworn blind to me that it's going to go to Shohreh. Fingers are crossed.

(Must say though that this was a bad year to be a good actress. I'm looking at the list of nominees and any one of them would be one of the prohibitive favorites in any other year. But I think it'll be Renee.)

Hah! Good, I was worried. It's like I said in my picks; Supporting categories are tricky because it so often goes to the best answer to the question "Which nominee would be a really interesting Academy Award winner?" So I was already worried about the Iranian actress, and when I started getting emails this morning (after my picks were posted) my confidence began to flag.

Aw, she's already retrieving a tissue from her little clutch. Either she's genuinely overwhelmed or she learned a classy move from 1940's starlets. Either way, good on 'er. (But please, Renee...can you at least meet me halfway and keep fifteen of your additional Bridget Jones pounds?)

Tom Hanks introduces a tribute to Bob Hope. Interesting choice, only because he died so long ago. But the man died at 100 so you'd better believe this was a package of clips that have been selected and edited and processed and fixed and re-organized time and time again until more man-hours went into them over the years than the National Cathedral. So nothing was going to keep them from running these clips.

(Plus, he's one of the three most famous Academy Awards presenters, I suppose.)

Is that the theme from "Forrest Gump" they're playing udner the clips? Dashed overused.

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Owen Wilson co-presenting Best Live-Action Short. Hmm. The cravat is really making its presence known tonight.

People are applauding "Torsion" loudly...yeah, right, as though they actually saw it!

Winner is "Two Soldiers." OK. My first loss of the night. This category is nearly impossible to call, of course, though if I'd chosen this one it would have been because it was a Canadian short and had way more distribution than the European nominees.

Reading too many names is probably a tactical mistake. After the first thirty, who's listening? Plus you save your wife or husband for the big payoff at the end, and s/he gets cut off by the orchestra.

Best Animated Short. A good race between Disney and Pixar. Harvey Crumpet?!? Okay, I didn't actually see any of the nominees, but still!!!

I think this short won because it's clay animation and the voters were too drunk to look closely and realize that it wasn't a "Wallace And Gromit" short.

Once again the Academy indicates the dignity they accord to the field of animation by playing Looney Tunes music as the winner steps to the podium.

Male half of the winning duo steps up dressed like a very unsuccessful gigolo on a very rundown cruise ship.

Best Song performance for "Cold Mountain." Sting is playing an instrument that appears to be what you get when your crate of musical instruments gets tipped over in transit to the venue and you only have ten minutes to snap together something playable from the pieces. ("You got your mandolin in my accordian!" "Well, you got your accordian in my mandolin!")

Next up, the other Cold Mountain song. Sweet song, but with little chance of a win thanks to the vote-split.

Third song: Lord Of The Rings. Good Lord. Sting, Elvis Costello, and now Annie Lennox. All the Angry Young Performers of my youth are now officially no danger to anyone (though I wisely believe that Costello is always about four steps away from biting somebody).

Actually, it's not an indication that I'm an old man. It's proof that even as a kid I had excellent taste. What a voice on Annie Lennox.

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Another video screen bit of comedy. Billy's funny tonight, except when he tries to do comedy.

Wil Smith presenting the effects Oscar. Another cravat. Was there some kind of frickin' memo on this or something?

Boy, look how far back they made the "Lord Of The Rings" effects guys sit! I think Mickey Rooney has a better seat!

Again, I single these nice boys out for wearing nice, traditional, classy tuxedoes. Makes me think of the tux that one of "The Matrix"'s winners wore, an ensemble which nervously shouted out "NO, I WASN'T A NERD IN HIGH SCHOOL! I DATED LOTS AND LOTS OF GIRLS ALL OF WHOM I HAD SEX WITH AND I WAS INCREDIBLY POPULAR! WHY? WHAT HAVE PEOPLE TOLD YOU?!?"

Tribute to Blake Edwards. Hmm. Wacky wheelchair schtick, which was sort of cute, but got wrecked by Jim Carrey, who overplayed it. The filmed tribute was shot in widescreen, and it got windowboxed on my standard aspect-ratio screen. Grr. Sign of things to come, I'm sure.

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Bill Murray. He can say anything and make it funny, and when he says something funny he can make it the best line of the evening. Presenting the Best Picture nom for "Lost In Translation." I hate to sound like a flaming film geek, but I yam but I yam: "Lost" is the perfect successor to Coppola's "The Conversation." At the core, they're both about isolation and disconnection, and tell their stories through environment, not events.

One day, the Society that so clearly owes me a living will finally make good and I'll have the hundreds of millions of dollars I need to start my own independent movie theater. "The Conversation"/"Lost In Translation" will be one of my first twin bills.

"Lord Of The Rings" wins for makeup. That tall drink o'water comes up to get his second statuette. It's not an embarrassing set of eveningwear, but an unfortunate selection. Give him a top hat and he'd look like he belonged standing outside the Four Seasons holding doors open for people.

Have only blown two predictions thus far, but the night's still young.

Sandra Bullock (just getting cuter and cuter) and John Travolta (who's probably on his last five months of getting away with that hair color).

Best Sound Mixing. Another one that's hard to call because it's hard for a layman to know what's being rewarded. Complicating things is the fact that the whole category's being voted on my laymen, and you almost might as well guess. But "Lord Of The Rings" ought to be a safe pick.

(Annnnd it is. Good.)

Nice tuxedoes on everybody. Boy, am I dreaming? Has the attitude "I'm way, way too cool to attend a formal event in proper eveningwear" finally gone out with the tide?

Sound Editing. This one is a poser, but I got it right. Usually you're best off picking a drama over a comedy. And indeed, "Master And Commander" won. If two dramas went head-to-head, though, a correct prediction is the result of sheer luck.

Julia Roberts. What the hey is the deal with those opaque lecterns? It's all about the dress, innit?

John Cusack presenting Best Documentary Short. One of those actors whom I'm glad to see forging a lifelong acting career.

Who'll win? Who knows. I guessed. Damn. I guessed wrong. "Chernobyl Heart" sounded like a dry subject, surely far too broad for a short film. This is another one of those categories where I severely handicapped myself by not having the time to put in my usual deep research. By getting a fairly detailed synopsis and seeing what the discussions have been like, you can usually focus on the two films that have a real shot. And that applies to Best Documentary Feature and Best Animated Short, too. But I had to toss my picks together in a few hours, so there was a lot of stimulus-response going on.

Documentary Feature. A year later and I still can't believe "Bowling For Columbine" won. It's really affected how I judge this category from now on. But this year I picked "Fog Of War" because I gotta think Errol Morris has to get an Oscar.

Three great ones in this year's lineup, though. It'll hard to be disappointed by the winner. Let's see. Good! "Fog Of War" wins. He's The Man when it comes to documentary — you know, the sort of documentaries where you're not allowed to make crap up — and I saw this as an Oscar with many back-payments included.

(And good for EM for saying right at the top "Thank you for FINALLY giving me an Oscar!" Cheerful and honest.)

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Sting, dressed like a parody of an undertaker. Best Original Score. Academy seems to be christmas-treeing their ballots for "Lord Of The Rings." Let's see if it holds:

Yes indeed. The former leader of "Howard Shore And His All-Nurse Orchestra" wins a second Oscar.

Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore. Another cravat. Clearly there was a sale on the things at Wal*Mart.

Best Editing: could go to three different flicks, though LoTR is naturally the favorite. Yup, it's LoTR. Lots of people are going to take a beating in the pools; rarely does one film sweep so many categories so this is a year in which the neophytes will do as well in the office pool as those who fancy themselves Cautious And Informed Bettors.

Jamie Lee Curtis introducing "Mighty Wind"'s best song nom. Cut to a shot of Chris Guest in his tux, which seems weird. I keep picturing Nigel Tufnel.

Hahaha...Catharine O'Hara and Eugene Levy are doing the song in character. Cool beans. They've got guts. Neither of them are experienced musicians (as Guest and Michael McKean are) and they're performing in front of probably the world's largest live audience.

Belleville Rendezvous up next. Too damned catchy. Plus, you have to respect any song that can't be performed without the use of a vacuum cleaner and a bicycle. Spike Jones has been dead an far too long.

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Jack Black, dressed slightly like a defrocked priest. Will Farrell is wearing a Blues Brothers costume, not eveningwear.

Funny bit about the lyrics to the "hurry up and get off the stage" song.

Best original song. I tend to think that "Best Song" is divorced from its movie, but I picked the "LoTR" song anyway. Annnnnd it wins. Good. Glad to see Annie Lennox get an Oscar. Howard Shore, incidentally, also once conducted "Howard Shore And His All-Bee Orchestra."

AL gives the acceptance speech. Call it schmaltz, but I like it when someone so clearly is thrilled to have won.

Cool, another co-writer got the mic back after the orchestra died down. They're being a lot nicer about the acceptance speeches this year.

Best Foreign Language Film. Yes, I took a complete guess on this one. No, I didn't get it right. "Barbarian Invasions," making it a good night for Canadians.

Cinematography: "Master And Commander." Purty-lookin' film. I picked it but don't necessarily see why it won instead of "Cold Mountain" or "Seabiscuit."

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Sofia and Francis Ford Coppola. What a nice pairing.

I took a risk on Adapted Screenplay. Adapting LotR was a big task but I thought the Academy was going to want to give "Mystic River" a large-scale acknowledgement. Let's see if I messed up...dang, it went to LotR. I shoulda just Christmas-treed it.

Original Screenplay should go to "Lost In Translation." Of course. And what a scream of delight from the audience. They really wanted her to win. Forgot that this would make the Coppolas a three-generation family of Oscar-winners (FFC's dad won for "The Godfather"'s music).

Quick shot of FFC, who's clearly discovering that the only thing better than winning an Oscar is watching your child win one.

Wow, that's weird...a Volvo commercial in which the entire thing is a simulated video game. How many meetings had to take place before the admakers got the OK to show the product spinning out and rolling?

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Best Director: Only a world gone mad will give it to someone other than Peter Jackson. Annnd...it is indeed a world gone mad, but they gave it to Jackson anyway.

I will forgive PJ for not having a proper shirt. He's had a hard bunch of years. I hope that someone will explain the blue buttons that all the LotR people are wearing.

Best Actress. Should be a lock for Theron, but when an nominee is the lockiest lock in Lockville, you wonder if people aren't going to bother voting for her. Still, can't find a compelling reason for anyone else to win.

Clip of Theron in character. Demonstrates how important eyebrows are. "Why does Whoopi Goldberg look so creepy?" youngsters ask me. "She has no eyebrows, kid," is my confident reply, hoping that they take the lesson to heart.

Cute bit...he mints up his mouth before reading the winner. Goes to Charlize Theron, as expected. I'm really happy to see this win; it finally breaks the Pretty Actress streak of Oscar winners. That's not to say that Halle Berry didn't give a good performance in "Monster's Ball," or all the other Pretty Actresses who won all the way back to "Shakespeare In Love" and "At Good As It Gets." But it finally looks like an actress won for the performance, not because she met some minimum standard of female beauty.

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Catch up on the many heroic banalities that I posted last month.

This page and its contents copyright © 2004 Andy Ihnatko.